Ok, so you’ve been transitioning, and gaining more acceptance than not. Those that don’t accept are polite, or quiet, and keep out of your hair. Is this a time to expect the best and breathe a little easier, or should you stay diligent and nimble for that first serious confrontation with someone you love dearly? Yes, and yes.
Since I started coming out, again, after a long sleep of about a decade since the last attempt (which was disastrous), things have been going REALLY REALLY REALLY well. I’ve been so much more organized, confident, trail blazing and loved and supported this time around that I’ve been conquering fears left and right and feeling wonderful! Nothing can stop me now! I’m going to make it! Yeah!
All the while I was having difficulty with a family member about my coming out, and peacefully thought, “ok, no big deal, I’ll just wait” and let the months roll by. But then I started hearing how they felt, the hurtful things they were saying and I tried to talk to them about it. Nothing. Nobody wanted to talk. After hanging up on me during the coming out discussion (I live too far away and having some distance has only helped in the past), that was the last I heard from him.
Following that was a discussion about making a family vacation for all of us to spend time together. What a great opportunity I thought! Surely some time together would help heal things, and get a dialog going. Erm…no. I could only attend if I was my former illusory self. I couldn’t have that, wouldn’t have that, not with how well things are going. I refused to de-transition and it cost me my eligibility for the vacation. Ok fine, maybe we’ll have some discussions before then and create an opening *hope hope hope hope*
The vacation was then two weeks away, and the emotion of rejection got the best of me. I sent an “alright, let’s move forward, laggards it’s time to catch up, you owe me for this penalty of silence and I’ve had enough” message. Kaboom. I did it ALL wrong. I said ALL the wrong things. I was too aggressive. I’m in agreement with my motivation, and my feelings are valid, but my approach was all wrong. I made the situation worse.
*sigh*
I promised myself I wouldn’t have to apologize for who I am, and I never will, BUT there’s nothing wrong with apologizing for insensitivity, being overly aggressive, inconsiderate and the rest. Below is a new direction for communication. I like my re-alignment better than what I had sent previously. I think this will help put me back on track towards being a better communicator about who I am.
Sorry guys. I was too emotional. I’m biased by my own forward momentum, which is further accelerated by the pushing I’ve had to do through my own past resistance to self acceptance. When you get used to having to fight so hard to escape previous self-loathing, where I hurt myself by denying who I am, the inertia can become hidden. It’s like traveling in a car at 30km/h or 120km/h. If the speed hasn’t changed in a while, you don’t really notice the difference until you spend enough time looking out the window, or hit someone who’s moving at a different speed. I didn’t look enough. I hit you, and hurt you, and I’m very sorry.
Don’t worry about it any further. I’m done with the previous method of sharing. The hurt from the silence and not getting to attend the vacation got to be too much, and I vented. The why is valid, the how could have been better. Have a good vacation, dig your toes in the sand for me, and I’ll be smiling knowing that everyone is well and having fun.
For the birthday, I was being reactionary and wanted xxxxxx to feel as alone without me as I felt without him. I’m wondering now if he ALREADY felt that way and that taking a stand was completely unnecessary and only made things worse.
I’m kind of in a bubble of protection of droves of supportive people, and I guess I was unprepared for such a different, and courageous, reaction. Others in the family who are struggling have been much more quiet. Thanks to you and your courage to let me know how you guys feel. It’s obvious that it’s a topic that people have mixed levels of experience with, and I was slow to acknowledge that. Things were going so well, with so much approval coming at me from so many directions, that I began expecting it instead of staying nimble and sensitive for when it doesn’t happen. I don’t accept that anybody should have to earn the right to be themselves past being born, but maybe the world needs a bit more growth yet before we can all know how to apply this without harming each other (myself as a source of clumsy harm included).
I love you and I dream of a day when we can see each other again and just enjoy each other as who we are. Miss you lots and lots. Should you want to talk more, I’m here.
*moua*
Ariel
xoxox
This doens’t fix the damage, but I hope it helps! I’m not a bad person! But I do get hurt, and very emotional, and I guess I’m still learning how to manage rejection from loved ones who have never rejected me before. I’ve had divorces, but somehow it seemed easier to let them go when they no longer wanted to be with me because they weren’t blood relatives. Being rejected by a blood relative turns up the juice so high, that I’m having difficulty navigating it. I’m new to a FULL transition where I’m pushing down all my walls of fear, which involves butting heads with rejection, and boy am I making mistakes! It’s a good thing though. It means I’m REALLY trying and have the courage to make those mistakes, even if they’re tempered by ignorance that I’m making them while making them. LOL!
This is all growth, and I’ll try to make the journey gentler and more considerate of others, but sometimes I just get lost in how hard I have to push. I sometimes forget to turn it off and just enjoy the achievements already behind me! *huff puff wimper*
in fact they already are nicer, haha.